list of things

1. Before I came to the university I wish I had known

• that it didn't matter how late my first lecture was, I'd still feel sleepy through it.
• that I could change so much and barely realize it.
• that I can love a lot of people in a lot of different ways.
• that every clock on campus shows a different time.
• that I would study everything yet fail a test.
• that I also would know nothing yet ace a test.
• that most of my education obtained outside lectures.
• that no matter how 'cool' anybody was in school, no one here cares.
• that if you got good results in school, so what? It doesn't matter here.
• that friendship is more than giggling and laughing together, but that's still fun!
• that Sunday is an illusion for the world's imagination.
• that Friday is the most welcomed day in a week.
• that Biology is actually Chemistry, and Chemistry is actually Physics, and Physics is actually Math.
• that parents would become smarter than the last few years.
• that it is possible to feel alone even I am surrounded by a bunch of friends.

2. Top 10 reasons that university is like primary school

• you cry for your mom.
• you cross the street without looking for cars.
• you think snack time is a necessity.
• you lost the erasers over and over again.
• you stay in rooms and play games with friends.
• you wear your backpack on both shoulders.
• you have big buttons.
• you cannot wait for the classes to finish.
• you take naps at 12 or so before afternoon class.
• you can sleep 'bersepah-sepah' on the floor until morning.
• you think Atasinchi is very funny.

3. You know you've been staying on campus long enough when

• you actually like doing laundry at home where the washing machine works.
• two miles is not too far to walk to the conveniences store.
• you'd rather do the house chores than study.
• "Oh God! How did it get so late!" comes out from your mouth at least once a night.
• mummy's cooking becomes something you desire and craving for.
• you go to sleep when it is light and wake up when it is dark.
• you live for getting mails and text messages.
• looking out of the windows is a form of entertainment.
• you start thinking and sounding like your friends.
• you know foods in fast food restaurants by names without even looking at the menu.

** let me know if I've missed any single detail, ok?

bedtime story :)

Just a short reminder.. not much but hopefully it helps us in searching for the true happiness in life. Especially for me, myslef :)

------------------------------

A group of executives, highly established in their careers, got together to visit their old university lecturer. Conversation soon turned into complaints about stress in work and life. 

Offering his guests coffee, the lecturer went to the kitchen and returned with a large pot of coffee and an assortment of cups: porcelain, plastic, glass, some plain-looking and some expensive and exquisite, telling them to help themselves to hot coffee. When all the ex-students had a cup of coffee in hand, the lecturer said:

"If you noticed, all the nice-looking, expensive cups were taken up, leaving behind the plain and cheap ones."

"Well, it is nothing but normal for you to want only the best for yourself, and that is the source of your problems and stress."

"What all of you really wanted was the coffee, not the cup. But you consciously went for the better cup and were eyeing each other's cup."

"Now, if life is coffee, then the jobs, money and position in society are the cups. They are just tools to hold and contain Life, but the quality of Life doesn't change. Sometimes, by concentrating only on the cup, we fail to enjoy the coffee in it."

So, don't let the cups drive you. Enjoy the coffee instead!

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I know, I am totally a different person now as compared to me in the previous post. And hey, I'm not bipolar okay! haha ^0^. I found this in a web while I was 'googling' on the topic for my term paper just now. I found this article very much soothing and I'm moved by this =) 

note to self: don't let emotion drive you when you are writing a post!

p/s1:

Maryam, let's looking for our own formula to be happy and contented with our life. Glad I've talked to you just now. Know I'm not alone... and of course you are not either! 

p/s2:

Have you noticed I've posted twice today? OMG! This is my new achievement :) Ooh.. how cool is that! You should give me some awards (",)

lost

Listening to the song, Perfect, last night had me wistful and melancholy. It reminded me a lot of myself at the age of seventeen. It brought back feelings and memories I had forgotten. From about the age of 13 and 17, I remember feeling strong, like I had a world full of options. Even in the midst of my own teenage confusion and rebellion, I still thought that I had a future of endless possibilities.


I remember spending days debating the male and female double standard. I remember discoursing with teenage cynicism the events that unfolded around the world. I remember watching ER and couldn't help but to feel like I'm one of them. I remember holding a very long discussion over the meaning of life, and thinking we had the answer.


 Then, life changed after that. I felt tired after the age of seventeen.


The change has no turning back. And suddenly, just in a blink of an eye, I was no longer fervently debating, no longer eagerly waiting for college as the beginning of my life as an adult (adult?), no longer dreaming of a big bright future full of endless possibilities. I was lost. A big time lost.


Sigh.


The thing that makes me sad is that in my search for 'home', I've messed up so much. I've made so many mistakes, broken so many hearts - that I'm scared I've screwed too much to ever get another real shot at finding 'home'. Like I have too much bad karma or whatever you want to call it. 


Sigh.


Lately, I've been resigning myself to the fact that not everyone gets to find 'home'. Maybe most people just have to work at what they have. Maybe most people stay because it is easier that way. Because it is less painful and practical for everyone involved. And maybe I'm just one of those people.


Sigh.


Another part of me refuses to let go. I'm only 20 (look, now I'm being transparent to everybody!) How can I be this cynical? This jaded and bored and worn out? But I am. And there's something I will never be able to change. And right now I'm feeling just about as lost and empty and confused and lonely as it can get.


Sigh.


Yet, in the midst of all these, there is still one thing I want and I know I can have. One thing that will make everything I live for worth it. It is able to give people a second shot, give people a second chance. It is hope. Even though I might not be able to find it for myself, I know that right now, but it's the only thing that will make me keep going.


I don't know what I can do or how, but with two hands and two legs and place to sleep and food to eat and clothes to wear, I already have so much more than many. I already have what it takes to make a difference, no matter how small, in someone else's life. 


However, it still scares me the way I feel sometimes. Because I think to myself, you are only at this age. This is like what people say on their dying beds as they look back on their entire life. You've only been studying for 2 years and you're tired? Welcome to the rat race, honey. How are you going to survive?


Sigh.


At the same time, I get so angry watching the rest of the world. We're so driven by materials possessions and physical security. I just don't get it. Maybe it's the fact that that I've been accustomed to living on simple life, that I've been taught by my parents while growing up. But I really don't get it.


Why the need for BUM watch, latest model of Sony Ericsson, Bonia shoes, Sony Bravia TV etc etc. Why bother? We have such a warped sense of the word need. I need iPhone to help me organize my work. I need new dress because I have this event to attend. And I'm saying this because I'm one of them.


Sigh.


If I were to be given a million of bucks right now, I would give it all away for just one person who would take my hand and say, 'Come home with me, baby. I'll show you the place you belongs to.' Do you think I'm pathetic?


Sigh.


Huh! I think I've blabbed so much in this post. And I've sighed a lot too! That is totally a bad sign.


Well, since this is the end of the year, this is the thing I want to leave behind. I hope. And wait until I post my new year resolution hehe :) Till then. 

courage

"Fear often comes greatest for those who have a great destiny." 

"I don't want to be a guy who said 'I should have', I want to the guy who said 'I did'."

....................

Lately, I realized that there were always so many reasons for me to feel afraid. And they kept coming one after another. But, there's also reason why I should always put my trust in Allah. And the reasons kept on coming as well.


... I've just finished Math 2 exam paper. Boy, the questions were real tricky. And I have another 3 papers to go after the mid break. OMG! How does that sound? Me, studying during holiday? 


... Another thing, I've just completed the CSS procedure (no idea what does it stand for and what is the purpose). Looking at my CGPA, I felt very much insecure. Well, you know, there is quota to further my programme in the main campus and the quota is like what, 40 students per intake? 


... And I will start to write my term paper for EAP (English for Academic Purposes) subject right after the mid semester exam. Just thinking of it makes me wondering how hectic and stressful my life will be. And I'm not even familiar with my topic yet!

Everyday, I have choices to make. In every circumstances, I have the dare-decision-to-make, the hearts-I-have-to-consider, the consequences-I-have-to-face and the-fate-I-have-to-believe.


Somehow, I'm starting to understand why I've been put precisely at this place, why Allah brought me here. And I am always thankful. 'Here' may not necessarily refer to location (although that plays a big part), but 'here' means at this moment. This season of life. This stage. 


I walk in the campus everyday and think , 'Wow, I'm here. I've made it! Allah wills me to do this.' And I'm here to gain all I'm meant for. For what He sent me through all these. Of course I'm here to learn more than anything.


I'm living more in the present these days. After a gentle reminder from someone, I realized that he was right (whoever he is ^^) - we aren't here to change the world, we aren't here to change the country, we aren't here to change the future. So, just do the best in every single moment we have. 


Instead of thinking what happen to my life if I can't achieve this and that?, what if I end up furthering in other programme?, what if my exam happens to be the worst?... I should also think what if there's nothing else after the foundation studies?, what if university is that all I have?. 


Can I say I've lived optimally during these periods? Can I say I've tried my best to change myself to a better person? Can I say I've gained everything I'm supposed to have here?


And what if this is the last chance I go home?, what if there's no more going home after December?, what if this semester and all the assignments are the last one? And that's it! 


Would I able to say I've made the most out of it? Would I able to say I've pleased my parents and siblings with my attitude? Would I able to say I've accomplished the tasks as a student and daughter? Would I able to say I've learnt something from every person I met?


I'M NOT EVEN CLOSE TO THAT!

....................

"Start with what you have, with what Allah has given you, NOW!"

It's pointless to worry about the things that are beyond  your ability to change, instead focus on what you can change and do it well. And so, I did some self-reflecting and started to realize all the facts I've already known, I'm a servant of Allah, I'm a student, I'm a daughter. And I looked at the responsibilities thrust on me. I don't think they are beyond my capability.


As compared to my parents, I have far too fewer things to be responsible upon. As compared to leaders of the country, I have far too easier things to think about. As compared to people with own families, Allah has ceased the accountability only to myself, instead of for the entire members of the family. 


So, at what point you think your life is so much complicated, Aisyah? Base on what you say that life is difficult? In terms of what your life is much thornier than your friends' or cousins'?


And I know all tasks I'm in charged of are those which I can handle. Allah doesn't command His servants to do something they are not able to do as He mentioned in alQuran:

Allah does not burden human being more than he is well able to bear...

YES. This is something I can do! I just need to be more focused. And not to think about those which are beyond my control. Focus, Aisyah. Focus!

warning: this is nonsense

Observe this picture thoroughly before reading the entry.

Look people, I can understand why during these few months almost every single soul was talking about Twilight or New Moon or whatever the series are. But until to this extend (I mean, the picture above)??? I just can't believe it! 

I saw this in someone's blog. Alright, everyone has the right to their opinions and obsessions, and I respect that. Okay, let's see what I've got to say about this. Since this is my blog, here are some reasons I don't want this Edward Cullen boy whoever he is. (I am still free from any influence of Twilight book or movie. Did I mention it proudly? :P)

I don't want an Edward Cullen because:

• I don't think I can handle someone swearing 'his eternal love and devotion' to me. Eternity is forever, you know?
• I don't think I can stand having dinner with someone who might probably drink my blood. That's scary, man!
• I can't stand someone staring at me the whole time during meals and that person has the ability to read mind. Very uncomfortable (and annoying, of course).
• I don't want someone to 'sing my nightmares away'. I want someone who freaking hold me instead of say or sing anything when I'm scared or hurt or whatsoever. (mwahahaha =)
• I don't want to inspire 'lullabies'. I want to inspire heroic battles hahaha ^0^/ Or something more grand and fierce and strong.
• I don't want someone who smells like 'honey, lilac and sunshine'. That's Winnie the Pooh! I can't think any other name.
• I want someone who have better battles to fight against, rather than one with, urm.. 'Italian vampires'?

I just want... a normal human.

Okay, that's it.

p/s1: no offense to Twilight or Edward fans, okay? =). Peace.

p/s2: lately, I can only produce junks. so pardon me for that matter.