May 26, 2010


On the phone:

What is the only thing you've always wanted to do, or the only dream you hold on to, but you've never told anyone before?

Me :
*pause* I don't know. Well, I think I don't have one.

I used to dream of becoming a mathematics lecturer or a financial backer - nothing in between.

Me :
That's two completely different extremes!

God gives you different abilities to do different things. Not everyone is gifted with the gift of being empowered to financially back the ministry. And so not everyone can be a good mathematics lecturer.

In a room full of business students, only about 5% are truly gifted with the capacity to really really succeed in business, or to have an ability to be successful entrepreneurs. While the rest just fit in the standard of 95%. And the thing is, the choice of being in the 5% or 95% is yours to make.

Me :
You wanted to say, everyone has their own path to take. So when you realize your ability, then you know where you should head and you stick your head down and work at it, am I right?

Yes, that's it. So what do you really want to do?

Me :
I wish ... I could be that 5% truly gifted with the capacity to really succeed in my chosen field and that 5% who get the lucrative job offers. And then, I want to be the 1% who turn down all those offers to go in the opposite direction - whether it be to open a little coffeehouse, or work in NGO, or be a stay-at-home-graduated-student. Just so, people will ask me why. And I can calmly tell them, just because you are good at something, does not mean you should do it. You should do whatever makes you come alive, whether it is excel sheets or washing dishes.

And over the phone, millions of miles away, though you could not see it, I smiled. Because I was so satisfied with my answer. After a few seconds, however, I became panic, "Gosh, what have I said? I am a dead meat if she ever claims what I've just told her!" Let's pray she will forget my stupid reply soon.

Some related notes:

The first thing I remembered wanting to be was an 'otter'. That was what I told my English teacher in standard one anyway. What I really wanted to be was an author. I might be losing my mind if I tell you I want to be an author now. I have zero idea why I wanted to be that. May be because that was the only English word of an occupation I was confident enough to let it slipped from my mouth. Yes, most probably.

In standard two, I participated in a story telling competition. Then, I changed my mind. I told my parents I wanted to be a television news breaker. I thought, telling people a story was an awesome job, you know, people are paying you a full attention when you break the news. That's so cool, I thought. Was I a kind of kid who loved to attract people's attention? That sounds pathetic. What a shame!

The next thing I wanted to be was an architect. I remembered my uncle asked us about our ambition and laughed his lungs out when my cousin told that he wanted to be a policeman. Then, I proudly told the rest I wanted to be an architect. And he laughed at my face too - of course, my uncle was very un-supportive. He said, "You make no sense. Your handwriting is so ugly." (Sheesh! Like I care ... )

Well, the ambition fell by the wayside as I grew up and at twelve or so, I decided that I wanted to be a lawyer. I could not remember why did I choose lawyer. But then, at the end of the day, I realised that I did not talk a lot and I was a person with only a few words (am I now? *wonders*). Plus, I hardly won in a conversation. So, I did not think I could make a good lawyer (and so didn't my parents). So, I gave up this one too.

Later at thirteen, I was constantly researching for a job which I was interested in (and sound big and vogue - couldn't help -.-). At this phase, my ambition kept on changing too. The choices ranked from a doctor, to a scientist, to a marine biologist, to a nuclear engineer, to the Setiausaha Agung of PBB (now, nak tulis pun malu hu~), to the Ketua Agensi Tenaga Atom (apa jadah pun tak tau). Okay, please ignore all these nonsense jobs. They are so embarrassing.

So, what do you call it when you feel ambitious and lazy at the same time? Call it aisyah's-highschool-syndrome. Beware. It is highly contagious. My sisters have been infected too. And to ensure this thing will not happen to my seven-year-old brother, the girls in the house have put some efforts to make him believes that he really wants to be a pilot. Like, I asked him to write 'A step to be a pilot' on his timetable and stick it on the wall.

Hence, I lost track of my ambitions because at seventeen, I realized that I wanted to be everything. Even now, I sometimes still want to be everything - I still think of becoming a mathematician, or an oceanographer, or a meteorologist, or a pathologist, or a geophysicist, or a surgeon, or.. or.. or.. or.. or.. and the list goes to the power of infinity. Oh, can't I just be something which is everything? Greedy much?

Now, a question came across my mind: Do we really need all these ambitions in the first place? Today, I am not the exact person I have always wanted to be. I thought, people don't really need to picture what they are going to be because it is already written for them. So, why should I bother? I just need to follow the flow and sequence of life. That's it. Sooner or later everything will fit into the place, and everything will make sense. Just put some faith on it.

At the same time, I also realize, to have these dreams and desires actually make people move forward. It creates this passion to get something better and to be better. Be as ambitious as possible. Because if you can dream of it, you can make it real too. But, if you are not able to achieve it, it does not matter. It's okay. Life must go on. You don't have to give up everything because of this petty reason.

Other related notes:

These are five jobs I think are awesome.

1. Meteorologist:
Best if it is in aviation unit. But seismology would do too :) So, I can predict whatever coming and run away first. haha. And I deal with weather, not people.

2. Oceanographer:
Influenced from The Deception Point. I can host a show. Or work for a private company. Have the potential to make a lot of money too :)

3. Pilot:
I do not think I have to explain more. It is ... *sighs*

4. Flight officer:
Yes. Yes. I am biased towards the aviation job. I know.

5. Jobless:
Growing RM50 plant outside the house and watching Korean's drama while doing the house chores would be awesome too! :)

It is raining outside. So dark and so cold. What a waste if I don't sleep now!


  1. I felt drained-did I mention today's my 1st day at the ward?
    hmm and I could use it,you know,coming back reading this amazing post of yours. Terase cam kurang sikit beban tu hehhe.
    Yo do write awesome things ever. :D
    And I owe you a reply oh god help me.

  2. to maryam:

    Oowh takpe2.. Don't worry, honey.. *pats on back*
    It's normal, right? I mean, the first day of anything is a bit of a mixed bag.. Everything happens so randomly..
    Oh, and don't worry about replying too :) Just keep your head in the game, all right?
    I am quite understanding, and patient, and calm, you know? hehe :)
    -whichisthereasonwhyIcanmarryadoctor- sign me up!

  3. what about pharmacist?not in the list?hehe..

    oceanographer's good..many oceanographers from the west reverted to Islam u of them u can read here...

  4. to nurjalilah:

    Pharmacist is cool too, I should say..
    You know, you can legally sell the restricted-and-controlled-by-laws drugs, and you won't be arrested for being in possession of drugs while the rest of the world will. That's cool! haha ^.^
    Meh la tukar pharmacy.. Kite takde geng ni huhu~

    to gerau diraja:
    Jom tukar pharmacy jugak, nak tak? Hehe :)

    p/s: eh kantoi kite post comment time maghrib. tak senonoh la. adeh.

  5. kite pharmacy gak
    welcome ecah

  6. to anonymous:

    Eh? Oowh, ni mesti Kimah kan?
    I will join you crew, Kimah.. hehe :)
    Yoroshiku oneigashimasu!

  7. wow.. awe-whole darn lot-some kak ecah! good job on this! Keep on writing good stuff-like this one! u made a boring topic very casual, in a good way of course. <3

  8. to anonymous:

    Hye there! :)
    Thanks for stopping by. Have nice and awesome day! >.<


. snape's potion class : in memories . :'(

. dumbledore's army .