December 23, 2009


Listening to the song, Perfect, last night had me wistful and melancholy. It reminded me a lot of myself at the age of seventeen. It brought back feelings and memories I had forgotten. From about the age of 13 and 17, I remember feeling strong, like I had a world full of options. Even in the midst of my own teenage confusion and rebellion, I still thought that I had a future of endless possibilities.

I remember spending days debating the male and female double standard. I remember discoursing with teenage cynicism the events that unfolded around the world. I remember watching ER and couldn't help but to feel like I'm one of them. I remember holding a very long discussion over the meaning of life, and thinking we had the answer.

 Then, life changed after that. I felt tired after the age of seventeen.

The change has no turning back. And suddenly, just in a blink of an eye, I was no longer fervently debating, no longer eagerly waiting for college as the beginning of my life as an adult (adult?), no longer dreaming of a big bright future full of endless possibilities. I was lost. A big time lost.


The thing that makes me sad is that in my search for 'home', I've messed up so much. I've made so many mistakes, broken so many hearts - that I'm scared I've screwed too much to ever get another real shot at finding 'home'. Like I have too much bad karma or whatever you want to call it. 


Lately, I've been resigning myself to the fact that not everyone gets to find 'home'. Maybe most people just have to work at what they have. Maybe most people stay because it is easier that way. Because it is less painful and practical for everyone involved. And maybe I'm just one of those people.


Another part of me refuses to let go. I'm only 20 (look, now I'm being transparent to everybody!) How can I be this cynical? This jaded and bored and worn out? But I am. And there's something I will never be able to change. And right now I'm feeling just about as lost and empty and confused and lonely as it can get.


Yet, in the midst of all these, there is still one thing I want and I know I can have. One thing that will make everything I live for worth it. It is able to give people a second shot, give people a second chance. It is hope. Even though I might not be able to find it for myself, I know that right now, but it's the only thing that will make me keep going.

I don't know what I can do or how, but with two hands and two legs and place to sleep and food to eat and clothes to wear, I already have so much more than many. I already have what it takes to make a difference, no matter how small, in someone else's life. 

However, it still scares me the way I feel sometimes. Because I think to myself, you are only at this age. This is like what people say on their dying beds as they look back on their entire life. You've only been studying for 2 years and you're tired? Welcome to the rat race, honey. How are you going to survive?


At the same time, I get so angry watching the rest of the world. We're so driven by materials possessions and physical security. I just don't get it. Maybe it's the fact that that I've been accustomed to living on simple life, that I've been taught by my parents while growing up. But I really don't get it.

Why the need for BUM watch, latest model of Sony Ericsson, Bonia shoes, Sony Bravia TV etc etc. Why bother? We have such a warped sense of the word need. I need iPhone to help me organize my work. I need new dress because I have this event to attend. And I'm saying this because I'm one of them.


If I were to be given a million of bucks right now, I would give it all away for just one person who would take my hand and say, 'Come home with me, baby. I'll show you the place you belongs to.' Do you think I'm pathetic?


Huh! I think I've blabbed so much in this post. And I've sighed a lot too! That is totally a bad sign.

Well, since this is the end of the year, this is the thing I want to leave behind. I hope. And wait until I post my new year resolution hehe :) Till then. 


  1. all the way scrolling down to the bottom of this post ,
    i just could only see this word : SIGH! (LOL)
    instead of the whole story...hehe...sorry ude!
    never knew that u love to sigh...
    Is it ur new obsession??? Hehe--
    Good Luck for BIOLOGY!! [ i shall say this to MYSELF somehow ]

  2. huh...!
    not really an obsession
    but it becomes part of my habit lately..

    you too andak
    good luck in your exam =)


. snape's potion class : in memories . :'(

. dumbledore's army .