May 18, 2010

awkward turtle

I am awkward around people. Sometimes they are people I know, and sometimes they are people I don't know. The thing is, people scare me. That's the basic premise. I have came along way, of course, and I am not that scared anymore. But still, every now and again, I am awkward around people.

I learn to be comfortable around a few people in no time, whereas with others, it takes longer. Putting thing like that makes it looks like it has something to do with the other person. But, it is more about my reactions when faced with certain situation, certain personalities, or certain attitudes. The bug is on my side.

Sometimes, I am awkward in the middle of a whole room of people I don't know, or may be I don't know well enough. I am rather a sociable person, but at times, I just seem to lose all that and not having anything to say to anybody. I know, it helps a lot to have someone to talk to. It will make me feel less like a butterfly pined in a box (or wallpaper - to say it less poetically).

Other times, I look and listen to myself in the middle of a group of people. And bite my tongue after noticing myself behave a bit too much like an unpopular teenager who wanted so much to be 'in' with the cool kids. Just then, I will hear myself saying, 'Oh crap, I sound too much. Now shut up, and say something only when it is necessary. Remember, not to be so cocky.'

Yes. Either way, I am horribly awkward in social situations. I stick to my group of friends, people I trust and care about, and when I have to branch out? I flop. I literally flop. Even when I meet a teacher who was previously teaching me, or my long lost girl friends whom I haven't shared much thing recently, or my cousins whom I can only see during the semester break.

Yesterday, there was a celebration at my school. My friends and I had planned a week before to meet at the school with, say, 20 others from our batch. As predicted, there were a lot of last minute cancellation, and to my dismay, all my friends who were considered close to me, fell among those who had cancelled. So I sent a text message to my high school bestfriend:

Hye cupcake! :) How are you doing? Urm, tomorrow dak2 ni ajak pegi school. I heard ramai yg nak pegi, but I don't know who are they and most probably they are the kp+badar.. So, I'm wondering, will you come too?

The reply was:

Oh my dear darling, I have neuro paper on Monday. The kps and badars? Ironic. lmao. Pegi la syah, take pics. Lame tak tengok cikgu2..

And I was like, 'Yeah, of course. She told me she will have a paper on Monday. Oh god! She is my last hope. How am I going to survive tomorrow?'. It's not like I cannot mingle around with other people. It's just ... I am quite shy *blushing*. I remembered the conversation with my sister on the previous day:

Me ^^ :
Should I go to the so-called gathering this Monday? Or shouldn't I? What do you think?
Sister :
What's exactly your problem? Just go if you want.
Me ^^ :
Oh, I am quite shy. You know that, right?
Sister :
Quite shy? Oh my God! What has just happened to you? OMG ... you? Being shy? I should savour this moment.
Me ^^ :
No, I mean, it is a kind of shy that when I go to someone else's house, then I feel shy to drink the juice offered to me until the host drink it first. Whereas, if it is the house of a person I am close with, I would just pour it myself, drink and then refill my glass for countless of time.
Sister :
That is not shy, okay? That is gedik. Because you are just pretending to be so polite and so girlish with the people who are not so close with you, so that your market value will increase.
Me ^^ :
Oh, shut up! 

Bigger point is, I have decided feeling shy unnecessarily is a retarded feeling. Blushing is worse. Because then the cheeks would burn (thanks God I am tanned. Because if I am not, people would have seen me blushing without reason). And I have this stupid-girl's-smile thing. What so wrong with having that smile? I am a girl after all, right? Well, the stupid thing is, I am not in control of that smile. It just creeps in and stays there.

Okay, now I am going to set a scene for you guys and you are going to role play how a real-twenty-something meets people and makes conversation.

You are sitting in a hall you have never been before, accompanying your mom to attend a PTA meeting. Surrounded by your mom, one parent you know from your neighbourhood and her twenty-something daughter, plus your mom's other 5-6 friends you have never met. Your mom has left the seating area to hit the bathroom. You are awkwardly silent now, with no one to talk to. You take out your mobile playing with the keypads, thinking of texting someone but you clearly have nothing to say. And you look around like a kitten being weened from its mother. Your sudden lack of social skills is palpable. The twenty-something girl next to you is quiet. You want to strike up a conversation but you don't know how to start. What would you do?

Me? I will keep silent all along and silently pray for my mom to come back soon. Pretending to be indulged in my own world - like putting too much concentration on the pamphlet or whatever booklet given. Hoping the parents will not ask me anything - especially not the result of final exam. Avoiding eye contact so that they know I am not interested in small talk. Yes, obviously an awkward turtle will do those things.

So, in the meantime, I am awkward around some people - it is really depending on who you are, actually. Just because you knew me back then during the school days (and I knew you as well), doesn't mean you can make a normal and nice conversation with me. Whenever you find me cold, unapproachable, quiet, silly, clumsy - please don't take it personally. That's just me feeling a bit awkward.

motivation for turtles like me haha *_*


  1. Hahaha I wont bother coming to PTA at all.
    And I so did not spell darling with a 'g'. Lmao.
    & I lyk your sis a lot.......

  2. to maryam:

    If I were to be given the choice, I wouldn't come too. It was so boring -.-'
    Oh, hehe.. I've already deleted the texts when I wrote this. So, blame my not-so-photographic-memory huhu~
    Ouh, really? I bet she likes you a lot too hehe.. :)


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