July 21, 2011


[Caution : Lengthy and wordy post ahead!]

Have you ever been on boat? I have. It was a small boat and I was out at sea. The waves were rocking it here and there. In such a constant, perpetual motion. I remember thinking, "Please stop moving. I want to walk in a straight line." Eventually, I made it to the dry land. And I have come to realize that I may be made up of many elements. But I am out of my element when it comes to large body of water.

My life at the moment feels like that. Like I am on the boat, out at the sea. There is no solidity. No constancy. It is a perpetual motion, constantly rocking. And I am walking into people. And hard objects. I would like to return to the dry land again. I would like to walk on solid material which is stable enough to make me believe I will not fall along the way.

There are times when I feel absolutely okay with what I hold now to carry on. And there are some other times when I am overwhelmed by the worries of what I might lose in the future. There are times when I feel secure and guided, while some other times I feel completely lost in my own world. There are times when I do not mind falling down -- because I can always stand up and move on. But to fall down many times and get up for nothing is so tiring.

All the unsettled feelings came because I forgot ONE THING.

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Yesterday, as I was getting ready for Zohor prayer, I quietly whispered -- I pleaded that ALLAH would let the rain fall. And just within a few seconds, the sound of water came pouring down from the sky could be heard. Curious, I headed to the corner of my room and took a peek through the window. I could not believe it. It was really raining. It touched me deep inside -- way much deeper than you could imagine. And I actually felt like crying.

I remembered the toughest semester (for me) during the foundation days -- first semester in the second year of studies. In the midst of exam, I had this scary thought of failing and giving up came to my mind. Imagine, you were writing on your examination answer sheet and while you were writing and excreting the answers from the little brain of yours, a small mindless thought came to mind. It went ... "It seems like I am going to fail this paper."

I had to literally stop writing to clear my mind and get that thought out. But it did not help much. When I started to write again, my palm was cold sweating. It was daunting, heart pumping. With hands trembling, I walked to the hostel after the paper, feeling that I have failed the paper badly. It was a terrible feeling.

I was so worried about it until ALLAH spoke to me not to. Not audibly, of course. Not by any physical effect, not by sending extra ordinary things before my eyes. Nothing of the sort. But you just know it when it was HIM assuring you. It was unexplainable. It was a good calming effect. Very refreshing -- like having an awesome cold shower in a hot day. Maybe better.

And I remembered (another once upon a time) when I was in form 4. I had an ustaz who would give penalty for students who got other than A for his subject. So, it was the day when the ustaz returned back the monthly-test papers. I was a little bit too confident that I might get an A because usually no one would go below the passing bar.

But to everyone's surprised, the ustaz announced there were some failures this time. I went from a-little-bit-too-confident to a-little-bit-too-scared-I-might-be-one-of-them. Unfortunately, but expected-ly, I was one of them and I was soooo disappointed. Really. Not because of the penalty, but because I have never scored that low for the subject (time sekolah kan, biasa la tu, semua nak letup letup je. haha).

I could not wait for the class to end because I could not seat at ease anymore. Luckily it was the last period. So after the class, I immediately went to the musolla to perform Zohor prayer -- bringing together  a super heavy heart which carried the burden of I-cannot-accept-this kind of feeling. Then I started to pray until the last rakaat. And I gave salaam.

I felt no burden anymore. I did not realize which part of the prayer did blow all the worries away. It was there when I started the prayer, but when I wanted to recite a little doa afterwards, only then I realized that the troubling thought was not there anymore. I felt tranquil at heart as if getting-the-lowest-ever-mark incident had never happened. 

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All these make me realize that ALLAH is always near. HE hears my whispers all the time. HE knows what I want even before demanding it from HIM. Why should not I spend a little time to tell HIM all the worries? Why do I always think that I have to suffer alone when all the people I talked to do not understand? Why do I talk to all those people in the first place?

If you experience a life on a rocking boat (just like me), always remember that ALLAH is strong enough to stop the motions of the boat. And HE is powerful enough to stop all the giant waves. If HE does not want stop them, just remember that HE is merciful enough not to let us hopelessly lost in the middle of the ocean. HE sure will bestow us with the strength to handle it.

The thing is, (1). How many times in life did you turn to HIM, first hand, when something went wrong? (2). How many times in life did you thank HIM for all the bounties, even a small one? (3). How many times in life did you ever feel that all you need is HIM even when you have nothing to scare about? (4). How many times have you looked at the past and realized it is HIM who helped you to go through?

Jadi, siapa saya pada pandangan ALLAH? 
A person who comes to HIM only when she needs HIM? A person who can really feel the existence of HIM only in certain things she does? A person who runs after the worldly life as if she is going to be there forever? A person who remembers HIM during the prayer and not after that?

Believe it or not we actually tend to secularize our daily life.

Betapa indahnya kalau setiap detik dalam hidup ni kita dapat rasa yang ALLAH ada bersama.

When you have ALLAH with you, dear, you will have nothing to worry. :)
When you have ALLAH with you, dear, you have attained the true meaning of happiness. :)

To live your life without worries is completely different from living your life happy go lucky. -Bottom line is.


. snape's potion class : in memories . :'(

. dumbledore's army .