on myself

5 years ago:

I feel so uplifted today -- quite randomly. I have not felt like that quite in a while. It was that sort of spiritual-uplifted feeling. Sort of God was reassuring me that things will get better, and to think of the great things that are to come.

4 years ago:

I know, I cannot blame anyone if things do not go on my way. And I cannot be so selfish to only satisfy my own desires. There are times I have to consider whether I am going to hurt others. Things happen for reasons. If I cannot please myself by doing this, at least I hope I can please my parents.

4 years ago:

Thinking:

• Have anyone else ever felt like there is no life to live for? Or felt like living on other people's expectations? Or felt like going for a dream which is totally not theirs? Why do I feel that all the time?
• When I was small, did mom eat the end pieces of the bread because she liked them, or because she knew I did not? Do I have to make such sacrifice?
• When mom and dad just showed a it's-not-that-bad kind of face whenever I showed my result, was it really not that bad? Or they were doing it because they did not want me to feel bad?

3 years ago:

Courage is doing what I am afraid to do, then, there can be no courage unless I am scared. I am sure I want to do this. Then, I have to accept whatever comes, and the most important thing is, I meet whatever comes with the best I have to give. 

2 years ago:

Yes. I am taking a very long journey. I do not mind that. I do not want to stop nor to look back and regret for taking this path. People, if I cannot see you midway during the journey, then I have to say goodbye now. And please wait for me at the end of the road!

A few months ago:

aisyah is water.

she flows to many streams of life.

sometimes on her own.

most other times together in greater rivers.

she makes her way through and around,

big and little rocks,

unexpected fallen tree branches,

and all the like.

she finds herself changes in intensity as she goes.

however her elements remain the same.

essential, refreshing.

and always carrying potential for extraordinary.

Last night:

I think, I am ready to give up my dream now. I am over all the feelings. And ... I secretly plan to leave Malaysia and live in Berlin for at least three years after studying. But I am sure when the moment comes, something (someone, to be precise) will stand on my way to stop me. Never mind. For now, I want to believe that is my (not other's) dream I am living for. Oh, call from Reality! I need to go.

-- Excerpts from My Life Journal --

(No. No, it is not a book's title)

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I wonder, when will these sort of battles and self-conflicts will walk away from my life for good. *sighs* Well, I think I should be grateful more for everything. 

a need to do some self-reflections,

aisyah.