July 4, 2010

you can never tell

Has time ever stopped for you? People say time stops for no man (of course, the clock still ticks). But there are times when you experience one minute that takes hours. Some of them are amazing times and moments which can be cherished for a lifetime. Other times, the phenomenon of stopped time is not as joyful. Such as, when you will receive the diagnosis of your disease.

These episodes are dedicated to those who are hurting, yet there are chances when you are not actually that person. It could be members of your family whom you love so dearly, or friends you spent time with, or people you know, or someone in the same room with you right now. And the scary part is, you may never know their pain. 

I once heard a paramedic talked about what they do when they arrive at a trauma scene. There are generally two types of casualties. The first who are screaming in pain. They may have broken bones and scream at the top of their lungs. They are not the people who the paramedics attend to first.

Paramedics will go to the silent people first. They have been in the accident but they are standing upright and just being quiet. They could even be standing with the crowd watching, and to anyone else, they could be perfectly okay. But, who knows, they actually suffer from a serious trauma.

There are many people around you who are hurting and you would never know what was really happening in their world. They may be going through something for a short season, or may be it has been happening for a long time. People ask, if there is a solution for it? I do not know the answer to that, but I do know what can help.

A few nights ago, I talked to someone on the phone. We started talking, sharing updates, passing news, laughing at some points, giggling like school girls, and suddenly she asked me what was wrong with me recently. I told her that everything was fine. She asked me again and I told her the same thing. 

For some strange reasons, she kept asking until something inside me changed and I felt safe to talk. And when I did it, I did feel so good. Did it fix me or my problem? NO. But it sure did help. How did she know? I do not think she did necessarily; but she did the simplest thing, she asked. You may not know what people are going through, but you can always ask.

Last Monday, my uncle was warded in HUKM due to health problem. He was listed in the emergency list to be operated. Okay, that sounds serious. I mean, when you are warded in a public hospital and you are on the emergency list to undergo surgery, that means something. The problem had something to do with the spinal cord and up till yesterday he could not even get up from bed.

That was quite a tough situation for my aunt and her children. I knew they were so nervous about what was going to come next. She called mom everyday to tell the progression of her husband (like he is now in the waiting room, he is already in the operation theatre). And she had to settle so many things for the payment of the surgery.

Yesterday, I met her at her place before we went to visit uncle. She actually looked stronger and more composed than I imagined she could be. Because I think, if I were her, I would only cry all the time (sampai doctor pun serabut suruh tunggu kat rumah je jangan datang hospital lagi). She really is a strong woman.

I met the cousins too. They were all emotionally stable (that was what my naked eyes told me). I did not know what kind of word I have to offer them, as I myself did not know what I expect people to say if I am in the same situation. So I just shut up. But what I really wanted to do was asking how do they feel and how can I help to, at least, sooth their feeling.

Obviously, I did not have all the guts to do so. And I did not think I can handle the situation afterwards. What if they suddenly burst into tears? Or what if they make me burst into tears? Oh God! What should I do?

I actually hate my pathetic self for being such a loser. I want them to know I always can lend my ears for whatever they are going to share and I am not just walking in and out from their life for no reason. 

Special note to Maryam :
I may be fragile in a way that people might think I usually cannot bear tough situation all by myself. But I can be strong enough to stand by anyone else's side when they need me. So, urm ... I will just leave it at this. I am here. Whenever you want to talk. I am always here. :)

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