ambitious

On the phone:


You:
What is the only thing you've always wanted to do, or the only dream you hold on to, but you've never told anyone before?


Me :
*pause* I don't know. Well, I think I don't have one.


You:
I used to dream of becoming a mathematics lecturer or a financial backer - nothing in between.


Me :
That's two completely different extremes!


You:
God gives you different abilities to do different things. Not everyone is gifted with the gift of being empowered to financially back the ministry. And so not everyone can be a good mathematics lecturer.


In a room full of business students, only about 5% are truly gifted with the capacity to really really succeed in business, or to have an ability to be successful entrepreneurs. While the rest just fit in the standard of 95%. And the thing is, the choice of being in the 5% or 95% is yours to make.


Me :
You wanted to say, everyone has their own path to take. So when you realize your ability, then you know where you should head and you stick your head down and work at it, am I right?


You:
Yes, that's it. So what do you really want to do?


Me :
I wish ... I could be that 5% truly gifted with the capacity to really succeed in my chosen field and that 5% who get the lucrative job offers. And then, I want to be the 1% who turn down all those offers to go in the opposite direction - whether it be to open a little coffeehouse, or work in NGO, or be a stay-at-home-graduated-student. Just so, people will ask me why. And I can calmly tell them, just because you are good at something, does not mean you should do it. You should do whatever makes you come alive, whether it is excel sheets or washing dishes.


And over the phone, millions of miles away, though you could not see it, I smiled. Because I was so satisfied with my answer. After a few seconds, however, I became panic, "Gosh, what have I said? I am a dead meat if she ever claims what I've just told her!" Let's pray she will forget my stupid reply soon.




Some related notes:


The first thing I remembered wanting to be was an 'otter'. That was what I told my English teacher in standard one anyway. What I really wanted to be was an author. I might be losing my mind if I tell you I want to be an author now. I have zero idea why I wanted to be that. May be because that was the only English word of an occupation I was confident enough to let it slipped from my mouth. Yes, most probably.


In standard two, I participated in a story telling competition. Then, I changed my mind. I told my parents I wanted to be a television news breaker. I thought, telling people a story was an awesome job, you know, people are paying you a full attention when you break the news. That's so cool, I thought. Was I a kind of kid who loved to attract people's attention? That sounds pathetic. What a shame!


The next thing I wanted to be was an architect. I remembered my uncle asked us about our ambition and laughed his lungs out when my cousin told that he wanted to be a policeman. Then, I proudly told the rest I wanted to be an architect. And he laughed at my face too - of course, my uncle was very un-supportive. He said, "You make no sense. Your handwriting is so ugly." (Sheesh! Like I care ... )


Well, the ambition fell by the wayside as I grew up and at twelve or so, I decided that I wanted to be a lawyer. I could not remember why did I choose lawyer. But then, at the end of the day, I realised that I did not talk a lot and I was a person with only a few words (am I now? *wonders*). Plus, I hardly won in a conversation. So, I did not think I could make a good lawyer (and so didn't my parents). So, I gave up this one too.


Later at thirteen, I was constantly researching for a job which I was interested in (and sound big and vogue - couldn't help -.-). At this phase, my ambition kept on changing too. The choices ranked from a doctor, to a scientist, to a marine biologist, to a nuclear engineer, to the Setiausaha Agung of PBB (now, nak tulis pun malu hu~), to the Ketua Agensi Tenaga Atom (apa jadah pun tak tau). Okay, please ignore all these nonsense jobs. They are so embarrassing.


So, what do you call it when you feel ambitious and lazy at the same time? Call it aisyah's-highschool-syndrome. Beware. It is highly contagious. My sisters have been infected too. And to ensure this thing will not happen to my seven-year-old brother, the girls in the house have put some efforts to make him believes that he really wants to be a pilot. Like, I asked him to write 'A step to be a pilot' on his timetable and stick it on the wall.


Hence, I lost track of my ambitions because at seventeen, I realized that I wanted to be everything. Even now, I sometimes still want to be everything - I still think of becoming a mathematician, or an oceanographer, or a meteorologist, or a pathologist, or a geophysicist, or a surgeon, or.. or.. or.. or.. or.. and the list goes to the power of infinity. Oh, can't I just be something which is everything? Greedy much?


Now, a question came across my mind: Do we really need all these ambitions in the first place? Today, I am not the exact person I have always wanted to be. I thought, people don't really need to picture what they are going to be because it is already written for them. So, why should I bother? I just need to follow the flow and sequence of life. That's it. Sooner or later everything will fit into the place, and everything will make sense. Just put some faith on it.


At the same time, I also realize, to have these dreams and desires actually make people move forward. It creates this passion to get something better and to be better. Be as ambitious as possible. Because if you can dream of it, you can make it real too. But, if you are not able to achieve it, it does not matter. It's okay. Life must go on. You don't have to give up everything because of this petty reason.




Other related notes:


These are five jobs I think are awesome.


1. Meteorologist:
Best if it is in aviation unit. But seismology would do too :) So, I can predict whatever coming and run away first. haha. And I deal with weather, not people.


2. Oceanographer:
Influenced from The Deception Point. I can host a show. Or work for a private company. Have the potential to make a lot of money too :)


3. Pilot:
I do not think I have to explain more. It is ... *sighs*


4. Flight officer:
Yes. Yes. I am biased towards the aviation job. I know.


5. Jobless:
Growing RM50 plant outside the house and watching Korean's drama while doing the house chores would be awesome too! :)




Status: 
It is raining outside. So dark and so cold. What a waste if I don't sleep now!

waiting

... the lessons never end ...

awkward turtle

I am awkward around people. Sometimes they are people I know, and sometimes they are people I don't know. The thing is, people scare me. That's the basic premise. I have came along way, of course, and I am not that scared anymore. But still, every now and again, I am awkward around people.


I learn to be comfortable around a few people in no time, whereas with others, it takes longer. Putting thing like that makes it looks like it has something to do with the other person. But, it is more about my reactions when faced with certain situation, certain personalities, or certain attitudes. The bug is on my side.


Sometimes, I am awkward in the middle of a whole room of people I don't know, or may be I don't know well enough. I am rather a sociable person, but at times, I just seem to lose all that and not having anything to say to anybody. I know, it helps a lot to have someone to talk to. It will make me feel less like a butterfly pined in a box (or wallpaper - to say it less poetically).


Other times, I look and listen to myself in the middle of a group of people. And bite my tongue after noticing myself behave a bit too much like an unpopular teenager who wanted so much to be 'in' with the cool kids. Just then, I will hear myself saying, 'Oh crap, I sound too much. Now shut up, and say something only when it is necessary. Remember, not to be so cocky.'


Yes. Either way, I am horribly awkward in social situations. I stick to my group of friends, people I trust and care about, and when I have to branch out? I flop. I literally flop. Even when I meet a teacher who was previously teaching me, or my long lost girl friends whom I haven't shared much thing recently, or my cousins whom I can only see during the semester break.


Yesterday, there was a celebration at my school. My friends and I had planned a week before to meet at the school with, say, 20 others from our batch. As predicted, there were a lot of last minute cancellation, and to my dismay, all my friends who were considered close to me, fell among those who had cancelled. So I sent a text message to my high school bestfriend:


Hye cupcake! :) How are you doing? Urm, tomorrow dak2 ni ajak pegi school. I heard ramai yg nak pegi, but I don't know who are they and most probably they are the kp+badar.. So, I'm wondering, will you come too?


The reply was:


Oh my dear darling, I have neuro paper on Monday. The kps and badars? Ironic. lmao. Pegi la syah, take pics. Lame tak tengok cikgu2..


And I was like, 'Yeah, of course. She told me she will have a paper on Monday. Oh god! She is my last hope. How am I going to survive tomorrow?'. It's not like I cannot mingle around with other people. It's just ... I am quite shy *blushing*. I remembered the conversation with my sister on the previous day:




Me ^^ :
Should I go to the so-called gathering this Monday? Or shouldn't I? What do you think?
Sister :
What's exactly your problem? Just go if you want.
Me ^^ :
Oh, I am quite shy. You know that, right?
Sister :
Quite shy? Oh my God! What has just happened to you? OMG ... you? Being shy? I should savour this moment.
Me ^^ :
No, I mean, it is a kind of shy that when I go to someone else's house, then I feel shy to drink the juice offered to me until the host drink it first. Whereas, if it is the house of a person I am close with, I would just pour it myself, drink and then refill my glass for countless of time.
Sister :
That is not shy, okay? That is gedik. Because you are just pretending to be so polite and so girlish with the people who are not so close with you, so that your market value will increase.
Me ^^ :
Oh, shut up! 




Bigger point is, I have decided feeling shy unnecessarily is a retarded feeling. Blushing is worse. Because then the cheeks would burn (thanks God I am tanned. Because if I am not, people would have seen me blushing without reason). And I have this stupid-girl's-smile thing. What so wrong with having that smile? I am a girl after all, right? Well, the stupid thing is, I am not in control of that smile. It just creeps in and stays there.


Okay, now I am going to set a scene for you guys and you are going to role play how a real-twenty-something meets people and makes conversation.


Scene: 

You are sitting in a hall you have never been before, accompanying your mom to attend a PTA meeting. Surrounded by your mom, one parent you know from your neighbourhood and her twenty-something daughter, plus your mom's other 5-6 friends you have never met. Your mom has left the seating area to hit the bathroom. You are awkwardly silent now, with no one to talk to. You take out your mobile playing with the keypads, thinking of texting someone but you clearly have nothing to say. And you look around like a kitten being weened from its mother. Your sudden lack of social skills is palpable. The twenty-something girl next to you is quiet. You want to strike up a conversation but you don't know how to start. What would you do?

Me? I will keep silent all along and silently pray for my mom to come back soon. Pretending to be indulged in my own world - like putting too much concentration on the pamphlet or whatever booklet given. Hoping the parents will not ask me anything - especially not the result of final exam. Avoiding eye contact so that they know I am not interested in small talk. Yes, obviously an awkward turtle will do those things.


So, in the meantime, I am awkward around some people - it is really depending on who you are, actually. Just because you knew me back then during the school days (and I knew you as well), doesn't mean you can make a normal and nice conversation with me. Whenever you find me cold, unapproachable, quiet, silly, clumsy - please don't take it personally. That's just me feeling a bit awkward.

motivation for turtles like me haha *_*

at the grocery store

It's just all the sights and sounds, and all the organized items, and all the various brands of products, make me so deliriously happy. And I like touching all the items, picking them up, examining each and every single one, surprisingly shocked by the price, and finally putting them down. 


Oh, actually there are a lot more things I fancy about the grocery stores.


--1) I take a long whiffs at the push-pop candy. Something about it just bring back the childhood memories of mine. And I would do that to the bubblegums also. I find this behaviour rather defeatist of me because they are wrapped so tightly. I can't possibly smell anything.


--2) I scan random items at the scanning machine even I know what the price is. I just pick up the nearest item and wave it in front of the machine. Just so, I can hear 'teet' and look at the red laser beam running its streaky line across the items. Oh! Euphoric!


--3) I arrange oranges, apples and other fruits, because it peeves me that they are not arranged properly. No, I am not getting any payment for it. But, come on people! It is not in the pyramidal form.


--4) I press the meat. And get mad when other aunties press the meat. But for the record, I do not press them grossly, I press them gently and leave them very unscathed. Okay okay, I am sorry. But, I cannot promise I will not do that again.


--5) I pick up almost every item and put on a quizzical, curious and interested face. Even I know that I will not buy it, but I am really curious. And I know the person next to me will look at me with a what's-wrong-with-her written on face.


--6) I read almost everything on the container or plastic of the items I have picked up. Especially the nutritional facts and ingredient.


--7) I want to buy almost everything, because they are all so attractive. Especially those things from the Cold Storage.


--8) I love the junk food lane, because it is the most colourful. All those silvery, shiny wrappings. Aesthetics!


--9) I love fresh vegetables section, because they are all green, and red, and orange. They are so bright in colours. It makes me feel so healthy and it makes me secretly wish to become a vegetarian one day. 


--10) I love to smell fruits too (as if I know what I am doing). Especially when there are uncles and aunties around, because I look like an expert doing so. And when they smell the fruits too, I know they are just copying what I do.


--11) I observe people around me and when I find anyone who looks a bit weird, I will say to my sister, "There's another abused child." Only to my sister, yes. If she is not around, I will just keep that to myself.


--12) When I see an abandoned-looking guy, I will tap my sister on the shoulder and whisper, "Hey, that's your new boyfriend." And she will go, "Yeah ... and that's your new boyfriend." pointing at the damaged-looking guy (okay, may be he is not as damaged as he might appear).


--13) And sometimes we pretend that we are neighbours, or colleagues, or anything but family. The scene always: we accidentally run into each other and ask, "Hey, where's your husband?" Length of the role play depends on how soon we sense the danger of being caught by mom or dad. Usually, it lasts only 2 minutes.


--14) When I see a baby, I will look at the baby until our eyes meet, and I will simply smile and frantically wave my hand at the baby. I don't care whether or not the parents *notice what I am doing to their child.


*Last time at the Carrefour, I did that to a Chinese baby. The parents kind of noticed what I was doing and the mom said to the baby, "Say hi to auntie ... ". Auntie? Hey! I mean ... HEY! Do I really look like one? Sheesh! But, if you are reading this, I would like to say that your baby is so damn cute, and it was so friendly of you (and your husband) that evening. But still, I cannot afford of being an auntie for your baby.


--15) I love it when the cashier has the conveyor belt thing. Then I imagine myself being a cashier and playing with the ka-ching drawer. Producing the tak-tak-tak sounds from the keyboard and counting the money.




Now, if you know what I am talking about, then wow! you are really my friend. Yeah, babeh! You know what I am talking about, so we just can blend in together.

*insert your title here*

Dear bloggy bookworms,


Thank you for being patient with my erratic posting lately. Besides the holiday season, some personal things have been going on in my life and I need time to deal with them as they crop up. I am not going to mention how hectic my life has been, nor to list the things I have to settle down with. They are lies, anyway. Because I am not busy at all and I am not up into anything.


It is just this thing, muggles call as lazy, attacking again. For now, I will still be trying to post up to normal frequency. And I will try to catch up for I am way behind the time. By the way, I hope that all of you are well and have a good holiday season. Do drop by from time to time. I will still be here.


Oh, I am enjoying the not-so-lovely print - that is what I want to do today. Just sit on a swing and talk to a friend, not to think about anything that is going on. But, because life does not stop when I do, and because of the pressing demands of reality, I have to face my reality and to pick up the pieces. I am moving on. Sure thing.




Yours sincerely,
aisyah