February 15, 2011

who am I?

I am X and who am I is a blank. I am no King in any trade, I am a Jack. You see, people like me have their hands in almost everything, and they are not really bad at it, but they are not the best either. People like me wish to be the King. We start with strong ambitions, strong determination, get to it, struggle, get up to reach may be at best, second. Or third.

But, I am sick of being a Jack. And I am sick of trying to be a King. I am sick of living my life, trying to be like someone else, trying to fit in, trying to chase after something which I have to struggle with. Thinking that, 'If I am like that, people will like me because I am different.' I am sick of chasing the King. I am who I am. And who I am is up to me.

I am not able to write stories, to come up with poems. I cannot string words into a perfect sentence and I cannot perfectly compose my feelings into paragraph. I lack the creativity to create perfect stories. I cannot capture the audience with my words. I can, however, write an understandable essay. Sometimes I tend to swallow my words, but I believe they are still audible.

I have ambitions. I have goals. I want something in life and I will do almost anything to get it. I am a strategist. I can play nice or mean. I am able to work extra hard to achieve that one goal. I am, however, not able to neglect the other sides of my life. I cannot ignore the roadblocks. I cannot act tough and say I am okay when things are not. I am not able to hold my tears and not act on emotions when it gets too hard.

I am not a domestic goddess. I cannot sew. I cannot recognize fishes by names. I cannot tell the differences between two types of potato. And I certainly cannot cook without messing up the kitchen. However, I can sew button. I can fix a tear. I can boil rice and water. I can cook instant food. I can fry egg, fish, and chicken. I can make sure everything is in order. And I certainly can arrange the books nicely.

I like dark and twisted, but I am not an emo. I love rainbow and sunshines, but I am not a cheerleader. I enjoy a good cry, but I am not that too sensitive. I can empathize with something, but I am not that warm-hearted. I like asking for help when I know the other party is willing to lend a hand, but I am not obsessive compulsive. I like everything to be perfect, but I am not a perfectionist.

I love talking among friends and I love making speeches. I love saying my opinions and I love to be heard. I love being able to hold an intellectual conversation and I love debating over an issue. However, I cannot make a small talk easily. I cannot get perfect topics. I cannot make people feel comfortable talking to me. I cannot make they feel like I love them. I cannot help but feel a little bit awkward.

I love discussing books and movies. I love how I know who wrote what. I love being sarcastic. I love the catty side of me. I, however, cannot have a depth conversation about books. I cannot tell why I think that book is better than the other one. I cannot really quote something from the book, which my friends always can. I cannot come up with sarcasm on the spot all the time.

I am not a math genius. I am not a physics pro. I am not an economic whizz. I am not excellent in pharmaco, neither am I in biochem nor microb. I do not really enjoy any part of chemistry subject, be it organic, analytical, or physical. But I am able to count the percentage of racemic mixture and tell what compound is more than what. I know the law of gravity and why it is so important. I may not be the next Einstein, neither am I the next Markovnikov. But I certainly want to make a name for myself.

I love biology related subjects. I love all the subjects under the Basic Medical Sciences Department. I am enthusiast to do all the practicals. But I do not like mice, especially not the smell. I do not like bacteria either. I enjoy doing practicals in microb lab except for the observation under the microscope part. I enjoy administering the mice with different routes of drugs administration, but I certainly will not touch them alive (and active). 

I am who I am, and whoever I choose to be. I am everything. A little bit of this, a little bit of that. I cannot change the fact that I am not good at one thing. I cannot be one of the boys, neither can I be one of the girls. I cannot discuss fashions and make-ups, neither that I enjoy the game of football. I love playing computer games, but there are some which I hate for sure.  

I cannot change the fact that I sometimes need a nudge, a compliment or two to feel secure. I cannot change the fact that I cannot take being dictatored too. I love to have democracy, a chance to speak out, a voice to be heard, a force to be reckoned with. I cannot help it if I am a little rebellious, and sometimes break the rules.

You see, people like me sometimes find it hard to fit in because the world loves the Kings, and people like us become just like everybody else. Not that it is a bad thing, but you see, being a Jack means we are just equally as good. Our competent-ness comes out, our determination and ambitious nature get the best out of us, but when we are like just everybody else, it sometimes irritates us.

However today, I am making a stand, I am embracing my true nature. I am X and I am a Jack. I love it. :) 

Cause you are amazing 
Just the way you are.

And when you smile
The whole world stops and stares for a while
Cause girl you are amazing
Just the way you are.

hehe. :) :) :)


  1. *man ana?*
    oh takut tikus ye! heheheheheheeh! (gelak keji)

    oh ske men komputer games ye! yeah ade geng! jom2 dtg umah aku men ps2. =D

  2. Ana mu'minun sa a'isyu dauman mu'mina.
    Terrer tak jawapan ni? Hehe.

    Cis. Mana ada takut. Geli je, okay? Semua orang pun macam tu la. *sedapkan hati* Hehe.
    Oh. Thanks for the invitation. But I don't play PS2 lah. I am matured. Haha. :)

  3. Ismi Maryam? that's the answer I'd give had someone asked who I am. But you Syah, you know your limitations, everything.

    And the thing about not knowing how to capture your audience? YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME. When I wrote something in caps, they are of bewilderment, rather than fury. hehe.

    I'm proud. *pats you in the back*

  4. yeah! just luv the way u are dear :)

  5. to Maryam H :
    Haha. Okay lah. Ismi aisyah. :)
    Oh. Everybody knows their limit, right? The only different is, they are working hard to overcome the limit, and I am hardly working for that. Haih. *heart breaks*

    to asrar :
    Love the way you are too. :)
    Cause you are amazing, just the way you are~ hehe.


. snape's potion class : in memories . :'(

. dumbledore's army .