I have not been talking to ALLAH as much as I used to. And I just feel so distant from HIM. I think this blase kind of relationship has run for so long (2 months? 3 months? 5 months? I don't know) without me noticing about it.
I know that I have not, and I know I have to do something about it. But I am just always so caught up with doing everything else -- you name it. Yeah, this is just another excuse. I know.
When I do actually make time, I just feel like I have not been talking to HIM for so long that I cannot remember how to anymore. I feel like I am telling HIM things HE already knows. I have so many things to ask for but I feel so shallow asking for them.
When I pray for others, sometimes, I feel so ... fake. I mean, there are so many people who need to be prayed for. But I feel like my needs are greater as compared to theirs. So, why bother praying for others when the person I should focus on is my own self?
I want HIM to be the center of my focus. HE is the first to whom I go to when I have problems, the first to whom I call in excitement upon good news. HE is there watching over me, so I want to believe I have nothing or no one to fear.
But I do not know how to anymore. And I feel so lost at the moment.
I prefer not to tell this personally in any conversation so I do not break down and cry in front of anyone.
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When you are tired and emotionally unstable, you tend to get sensitive over little things, don't you?
Sit down straight.
Cross your legs tight.
Close your eyes.
Leave your mind empty.
And wake up fresh.
Self reminder :
Every time when you try all the way to be near to ALLAH, and when you just started to feel calm, HE will always test you if you could still hold onto HIM. This is where your faithfulness is hardly challenged. Just keep on track, aisyah. Keep on your track! HE will guide you.
KEEP BELIEVING. KEEP PRAYING.