bon voyage

Nothing terribly exciting to report. Just me trying to keep my head above the water and not go completely crazy day-to-day. I really have nothing I need to say at the moment, but still, I want to finish this post here.

Okay, wait ... let me see what do I have in store.

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All right! Here ... My sisters gave me these things before they went back to school. 

-- They are so sweet. Aren't they? --

I think it is already time to go. So, goodbye Internet! You won't be seeing me around until, at least, early next month (I guess). Or you won't be seeing me forever. Yeah I know, parting is sad. Come here. Give me a quick cuddle. ... ... ... Okay, thanks *relieved* :) 


Look after yourself and don't get hurt, all right? Don't miss me and don't make me miss you even more. And don't make me worry about you! Okay, goodbye now. Oh wait! Come here. Cuddle me one more time. Last one. I promise. ... ... ... All right, I feel better. Thanks. Goodbye!


Urm ... I don't think I am ready for this. But it's okay, I will get through. Bye! Oh ... well ... urm ... nothing. Okay, I can do this. Goodbye then. :(




Yeah. It is that hard to let everything goes. *heavy sighs*

on myself

5 years ago:

I feel so uplifted today -- quite randomly. I have not felt like that quite in a while. It was that sort of spiritual-uplifted feeling. Sort of God was reassuring me that things will get better, and to think of the great things that are to come.

4 years ago:

I know, I cannot blame anyone if things do not go on my way. And I cannot be so selfish to only satisfy my own desires. There are times I have to consider whether I am going to hurt others. Things happen for reasons. If I cannot please myself by doing this, at least I hope I can please my parents.

4 years ago:

Thinking:

• Have anyone else ever felt like there is no life to live for? Or felt like living on other people's expectations? Or felt like going for a dream which is totally not theirs? Why do I feel that all the time?
• When I was small, did mom eat the end pieces of the bread because she liked them, or because she knew I did not? Do I have to make such sacrifice?
• When mom and dad just showed a it's-not-that-bad kind of face whenever I showed my result, was it really not that bad? Or they were doing it because they did not want me to feel bad?

3 years ago:

Courage is doing what I am afraid to do, then, there can be no courage unless I am scared. I am sure I want to do this. Then, I have to accept whatever comes, and the most important thing is, I meet whatever comes with the best I have to give. 

2 years ago:

Yes. I am taking a very long journey. I do not mind that. I do not want to stop nor to look back and regret for taking this path. People, if I cannot see you midway during the journey, then I have to say goodbye now. And please wait for me at the end of the road!

A few months ago:

aisyah is water.

she flows to many streams of life.

sometimes on her own.

most other times together in greater rivers.

she makes her way through and around,

big and little rocks,

unexpected fallen tree branches,

and all the like.

she finds herself changes in intensity as she goes.

however her elements remain the same.

essential, refreshing.

and always carrying potential for extraordinary.

Last night:

I think, I am ready to give up my dream now. I am over all the feelings. And ... I secretly plan to leave Malaysia and live in Berlin for at least three years after studying. But I am sure when the moment comes, something (someone, to be precise) will stand on my way to stop me. Never mind. For now, I want to believe that is my (not other's) dream I am living for. Oh, call from Reality! I need to go.

-- Excerpts from My Life Journal --

(No. No, it is not a book's title)

----------------------------------------

I wonder, when will these sort of battles and self-conflicts will walk away from my life for good. *sighs* Well, I think I should be grateful more for everything. 

a need to do some self-reflections,

aisyah.

you can never tell

Has time ever stopped for you? People say time stops for no man (of course, the clock still ticks). But there are times when you experience one minute that takes hours. Some of them are amazing times and moments which can be cherished for a lifetime. Other times, the phenomenon of stopped time is not as joyful. Such as, when you will receive the diagnosis of your disease.


These episodes are dedicated to those who are hurting, yet there are chances when you are not actually that person. It could be members of your family whom you love so dearly, or friends you spent time with, or people you know, or someone in the same room with you right now. And the scary part is, you may never know their pain. 


I once heard a paramedic talked about what they do when they arrive at a trauma scene. There are generally two types of casualties. The first who are screaming in pain. They may have broken bones and scream at the top of their lungs. They are not the people who the paramedics attend to first.


Paramedics will go to the silent people first. They have been in the accident but they are standing upright and just being quiet. They could even be standing with the crowd watching, and to anyone else, they could be perfectly okay. But, who knows, they actually suffer from a serious trauma.


There are many people around you who are hurting and you would never know what was really happening in their world. They may be going through something for a short season, or may be it has been happening for a long time. People ask, if there is a solution for it? I do not know the answer to that, but I do know what can help.


A few nights ago, I talked to someone on the phone. We started talking, sharing updates, passing news, laughing at some points, giggling like school girls, and suddenly she asked me what was wrong with me recently. I told her that everything was fine. She asked me again and I told her the same thing. 


For some strange reasons, she kept asking until something inside me changed and I felt safe to talk. And when I did it, I did feel so good. Did it fix me or my problem? NO. But it sure did help. How did she know? I do not think she did necessarily; but she did the simplest thing, she asked. You may not know what people are going through, but you can always ask.


Last Monday, my uncle was warded in HUKM due to health problem. He was listed in the emergency list to be operated. Okay, that sounds serious. I mean, when you are warded in a public hospital and you are on the emergency list to undergo surgery, that means something. The problem had something to do with the spinal cord and up till yesterday he could not even get up from bed.


That was quite a tough situation for my aunt and her children. I knew they were so nervous about what was going to come next. She called mom everyday to tell the progression of her husband (like he is now in the waiting room, he is already in the operation theatre). And she had to settle so many things for the payment of the surgery.


Yesterday, I met her at her place before we went to visit uncle. She actually looked stronger and more composed than I imagined she could be. Because I think, if I were her, I would only cry all the time (sampai doctor pun serabut suruh tunggu kat rumah je jangan datang hospital lagi). She really is a strong woman.


I met the cousins too. They were all emotionally stable (that was what my naked eyes told me). I did not know what kind of word I have to offer them, as I myself did not know what I expect people to say if I am in the same situation. So I just shut up. But what I really wanted to do was asking how do they feel and how can I help to, at least, sooth their feeling.


Obviously, I did not have all the guts to do so. And I did not think I can handle the situation afterwards. What if they suddenly burst into tears? Or what if they make me burst into tears? Oh God! What should I do?


I actually hate my pathetic self for being such a loser. I want them to know I always can lend my ears for whatever they are going to share and I am not just walking in and out from their life for no reason. 


Special note to Maryam :
I may be fragile in a way that people might think I usually cannot bear tough situation all by myself. But I can be strong enough to stand by anyone else's side when they need me. So, urm ... I will just leave it at this. I am here. Whenever you want to talk. I am always here. :)

caps lock

WHAT A TITLE! HAHA.. Oh, more accurate title should be: caps lock and red ink.

The rain smelled therapeutic :) I never realized it smelled SO good, until the moment I wrote this, during which, I tried to absorb EVERY single fact about my place and stick them in the memory. From the fact how does my house smell and sound, to how does it look during the dawn and dusk, to how hot it could be at 3 in the evening, bla bla bla ...

Okay, BORING!

Well, I noticed A LOT of strange and weird things happened to me lately. And I did a lot of weird things too. By the words strange and weird, I mean, they were HARDLY occurred to me UNDER NORMAL CIRCUMSTANCES or UNDER MY CONSCIOUS AND STRAIGHT MIND. 

Lately, I ALWAYS woke in the middle of the night. Shocked at finding my heart beats a little bit too fast. Like I had been electrocuted or something. Once awaken, it was REAL hard to put myself to sleep again, and after a couple of minutes, I started HEARING THINGS. Oh boy, waking up in the middle of night was scary enough on its own. Oh, but where did the sound come from? I was not hallucinating, was I?

No. No. I AM NOT on drugs, okay!

And I COULD NOT sleep later than 11pm. Because if I did, I would end up counting from number one to God-knows-how-many until the eyes totally shut. And (news for everyone) the fan in my room has the ability to suck ALL the oxygen out. By 2am, I have to switch it off, or else my lungs would run out of oxygen and cause all the cells in the body to malfunction. DON'T worry (IF you do). I think, it is just because of the weather.

Yeah, I AM SURE I don't need all those drugs!

I have a quite delicate pair of lungs. Which is why I have to SERIOUSLY take good care of my lungs if I do not want to be aided by all the nebulizers (or whatever the doctors call the machines) later on. AND IF I want to live longer! (Ouh, please. This is scary, man!). Hence, I HAVE TO avoid all those smokers, and all types of open burnings, and all industrial areas, and simply, all the contributing factors for lungs blackening.

And I also noticed that I became more and more emotionally unstable. My sister suggested me to wear a shirt written: Warning, next mood swing in 5 minutes! (to give people a warning beforehand so that no one would feel deeply hurt). Well ... I guess, this is what people call as transitional stage. You know, the conditions when you are aware that you are going to be out of your comfort zone SOON. All the nervous breakdown, adrenaline rush, and hormonal change sort of things. 

And I recently nurtured a habit, which, EVERYTIME before shutting down the computer, I would open one of the photos' folder and take a look at ONLY FIVE photos (Next. Next. Next. Next. Previous. Previous. Previous. Previous. Next. Next. Next. Next. Previous. Previous. Previous. Previous. Next. Next. Next. Next. Previous. Previous. Previous. Previous. Okay, dah puas hati!). Then only I shut down.

Recently, I did have a lot of MINOR disputes with dad. And having grandma and two sisters by my side, I felt like the world was mine. At grandma's place, whenever dad tried to tell me that I was doing something in a wrong way, I would say, "Dad, that's really not a nice thing to say to your daughter. You are supposed to be encouraging, instead of criticizing." Oh, I am USUALLY NOT that stubborn.

Whenever I disagreed with dad at some points, I would discuss the matter with my sisters, and perhaps come out with some solutions. So, when dad came back from work,  we would step out from the room and confront dad, "Dad, we are not agree when you said bla bla bla ... Let's talk about this matter!" And mom would be like, "Wow, were that really my shy (shy? awww!) daughters?" (just an assumption, because mom SEEMED so impressed ^^). Again, I am USUALLY NOT that straight forward.

During the school holiday, I spent quite a good time with my sister. When suddenly she said, "PROMISE me that in the future, you will ALWAYS remind me NOT to ignore my children. Under no circumstances should I absent the PTA meeting. And no matter how busy am I, I should attend their sport's day. And it doesn't matter if the dad refuses to send them to school because I will. I always will. And I have to give them the choices whether they want to stay in the boarding school, or to quit it and lead a normal life." That was an identity crisis. Ouch, pity her!

On Sunday, my sisters were going to go back to the hostel. Earlier in the morning, I brought them to the convenience store to buy whatever they needed. Me, having nothing to buy, went to the chocolate aisle and picked up TWO Cadbury bars. Paid. Done. Went back home. Later, in the evening when they were ready to get in the car and head to school, I handed a Cadbury to EACH of them. Jeez ... I have NO IDEA I am that sweet! (Oh, wait! I only bought two, right? CRAP!)

Oh, why do I feel like the two paragraphs above make me sound like a caring and responsible sister? Don't you think? IN CASE (in case needs to be stressed more) if you do, then I have to say I AM NOT.

Yesterday, I walked on the solid ground, around the residential area ALONE (which I NEVER did before because I was scared of the lawnmowers and the male gardeners. For those who are concern of my safety, I actually had a small knife with me ready for an action), thinking that, someday I would miss this place so badly. I stopped at certain spots, standing still and deeply inhaled the scent of the green grass. I was SO SURE, people thought that I had some loose screws or something.

Day before yesterday, I went to buy some kuih-muih. I went to this place where there was a row of stalls which sold almost the SAME things. What happened was, I did not know which stall to go. Which, I ended up buying some from this stall, and some from the other, and some from the other, and some form the other ... until the last stall at the end of the row. Yeah, I visited EVERY stall and bought something from EACH. I just hate making the aunties upset. That was my weird random act of kindness.

The day before, mom asked me to find some almond powder, but I could not find any. So, I decided to buy a whole packet of almond which I had to GROUND them MYSELF. It was quite a stupid decision because I just realized that we do not have any food processor at home (how sloppy!). So, I decided to CRUSH them with HAMMER (haven't told mom about this yet). Please remind me I have to borrow the hammer from dad. Wow, sounds fun!

A few days before, I felt A LITTLE BIT more productive than the entire week. I decided to wash the car. At the first glance, it looked like dad's second office because there were a lot of papers all over the place. I threw ALMOST all of them, leaving behind a few stuffs which I deemed important. 2 hours later, dad called me asking the-something-something-document (I couldn't hear because I was so nervous). And yeah, without him knowing, I went back to the big dustbin and picked up all the papers I threw. YEWW!!!

I went to grandma's place. WITHOUT any notice, I had to face a COUSIN of mine (whom, mind you, I haven't seen for quite a long time now). Oh, okay may be this is KIND OF weird. But yes, I was so nervous. The feeling was EXACTLY like the one I felt during the Syafawi test. Name all the feelings during the Syafawi test. All were there. Afraid, not confident, feeling unprepared, cannot wait to end everything. ALL. What's wrong with you, aisyah? He is, for the heaven's sake, just your cousin!

Last months (or is it last two months?) I TRIED to do some text-book-readings. No, it's NOT like reading it thoroughly word by word. It was just a random scanning. Since I did not have all the momentum yet, I just flipped through the pages, got some random ideas, may be read the topics and subtopics, and recalled something upon encountering the terms I am familiar with. Sounds like I have done quite a lot, but believe me, they took only TWO minutes from my entire 24 hours. Then, I got distracted.

Waah ... a whole paragraph of my nerdy-ness! *claps*

One fine day, I was caught by mom, having the book wide opened on my side while my UNDIVIDED concentration was on the computer. Yeah, I have been made. What a bad day! Mom said, "Hey aisyah, I know what you are doing, okay? Don't pretend to be all hardworking when you are not!" Ouch! That hurts, mom :( Really. I am not exaggerating =.='. I know, I AM NOT hardworking but I WAS NOT TRYING TO PRETEND that I am.

And ... urm ... urm ... well ... I would like to make a HUMBLE opinion regarding the FIFA Worldcup 2010. May I? Okay, I may. Well, I think Persie (NED) is THE HOTTEST player for this season. Is he new? I mean, how come no one ever mentioned his name before? Or is it just me never heard of him? Oh gosh! He is so hot to the extend I melt the very first time I saw him and I could not take my eyes off him since. (Okay. MEREPEK. ABAIKAN. Bye)

5 more days to go!